Yes! I’m back to 5 minute Fridays, and I can’t tell you how excited I am! It’s good to be back! And this week’s topic is just so apt for me!
Every Friday Lisa-Jo at Gypsy Mama, give us a topic to write about for 5 mins, no over-thinking, no editing, just writing for 5 mins. The aim is to set your timer, clear your head, for five minutes of free writing without worrying about getting it right.
There are just 3 rules They are:
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
So here we go, this weeks topic is…
Change and I are not strangers. We’ve known each other for quite some time now, I was a mere two years of age when Change came into my life, forcing its way in, fiercely touching each and every aspect of my life, and refusing to leave. In fact, Change and I have known each other longer than I have known any other person, apart from the woman who bore me of course. Yet, even after all these years, Change and I have not become friends. I curse her, and I try to hide from her. She, in return, always seeks me out, thumps me on the back and scratches at my heart. Change forces me to do things I’d really rather not, I weep and cry at her to relent, but she never does. She is so persistent and aggressive, and yet, despite her violent nature, such good comes from her. I resist, and she pulls, I weep and cling, and she cheers and me pushes forward, I try to remain oblivious and she forces me to open my eyes. I’ve learnt Change will always be in my life, the cardboard boxes, the packing up, the flying-half-way-across-the-world, the unpacking and greeting new faces, all that ensures Change will always stick with me. Change never says goodbye, and Change never leaves.
I’ll never be friends with Change, but I’ve learnt to embrace her for what she brings me. Change will never be friends with me, for she’s always moving me on, but she’s learnt to see the potential in me. Change and I, we’ve learnt to live in an awkward harmony, never strangers, yet never friends.
Why don’t you join in too? And Don’t forget to link up to Lisa-Jo’s page.
How does one week turn into one year?
I don’t know, but it has. I remember that day as though it was yesterday, I remember the few days leading up to it. Oh the turmoil, do I go, do I stay. And then a month later, where do I go next? Oh how my heart raced, my stomach churned, my mind ran, my eyes wept. My whole body and soul shook as I tried to be still, listen, and discern what it was my Father wanted me to to, and then to summon the courage to do it.
Oh those two days, separated by a month. Those two decisions, some of the hardest I’ve had to make. Read about it here.*
A year ago today I was evacuated from my home, I flew away from my friends, family, job, home, life. I flew into nothing, a country I barely knew, to a sea of strangers, to a hotel, no home, to hospitals and doctors and a whole world I had never entered into before in my life. It would only be a week I was told… it was what I had clung to when I had to choose to allow them to take me out.
A month later I was being flown out again, only I wasn’t returning to everything I knew. I was moving on again, to nothing, to more doctors and hospitals. I had wonderful friends and familiar faces waiting to greet me, but the other faces, familiar as they were, were distant memories from years past, a person I used to be knew who they used to be, but those characters they had changed and no-one really knew each other any more.
Time passed and as it did, and as it dragged, I felt betrayed, I didn’t understand. I wrote about it here.
Now one year on, I can hardly believe the journey I’ve been on. I can hardly believe I am STILL here, in this country, in this place. It feels like just another day on this long and uncertain journey. Still unknowing where I’m headed, when I’m headed. Still not really knowing what this is all about. Just another day trusting, and living. Yet it seems wrong to not mark this day. To not set up an alter at this one year anniversary and say the journey has been long, the journey had been hard, but God has been faithful, and God is still good, and God is still God.
Yes it is true, this year has not been pretty. I have wept more than I care to think about. I have grieved in ways I did not know it was possible to grieve. I have felt darkness that I did not know existed. I have despaired, I have been ready to give up on it all. I have doubted, I have been angry, I have lost trust, I have been oh so unfaithful. All of me in the past year has been ugly, weak, disgusting. But God, God has been beautiful, faithful, redeeming, strong.
God has always provided in every way. My father, he has loved me in all my ugliness and in all my unfaithfulness. My saviour, he has saved me from despair, he has picked me up when I’ve fallen, He has helped me hold on when I was ready to let go. My God has turned up every single time when I thought I couldn’t take one more step.
My God, has been God. He has been in control, He has had a purpose, and He has taught me, and He has walked with me,and He has carried me.
So on this day, this one year on, I want to mark this place, set up my Ebenezer, built and alter, and say My God He is good, and He is faithful. He has been my help, my hope, my lifeline, my only purpose for waking and breathing. I have no words, simply a thank you that bursts from my heart for all He has done.
* Photo Credit : The Creative Spirit
I don’t really like writing about my health. But since lots of you have been asking what is going on I’m going to attempt a short summary.
- My body isn’t doing what we had hoped, or expected, and so we’re waiting. I’ll be spending now until the end of April in and out of hospital undergoing tests and investigations.
- This means that the new treatment I had hoped to start, I can’t have. Not for now at least. I’m hoping that on April 25 we’ll be able to make some decisions on what’s next. There are several possible scenarios depending on what these tests show.
- For now I’m sticking to high doses of steroids, on new higher pain relief, taking some other new meds, and just letting my body rest.
- I know some of you like to know what all my symptoms are… I’m just going to say that my bones, my joints, my digestive tract, and my eyes are all having difficulty right now.
- So things have changed, and changed pretty rapidly. I’m still getting used to these new pain meds, but they seem to be doing a good job.
I’m thankful to have such caring and dedicated doctors, I am thankful for friends who text and ring just to see how I am, I am thankful to be surrounded by people who are always willing to help out however they can, I am thankful that I have the freedom to be able to rest, to sleep and wake when I can, to eat or not as I feel able. I am thankful for my peaceful, beautiful surroundings. I am thankful for this reminder that I need my God and my saviour, I am thankful that this gives me the time and space to be still and know Him. I am thankful that these new medications are allowing me to go out and create memories with wonderful people. I am thankful that I know I am loved by God, that I am surrounded by Him, and that he saves me day after day, and restores my hope. I am thankful that I don’t need to be strong, for it is in my weakness that He is strong. I am thankful for my life just the way it is.
So, you see, from the outside it might seem like things are pretty miserable right now. I’m not miserable though. Yes sometimes it is frustrating, yes sometimes it is hard, no it’s not what I had dreamed I would be doing right now, but in those moments I ask God for his perspective, in those feelings I find His comfort and His peace. I am thankful for what my life is, I am thankful for ALL my life is. I have so many of the “good” things, and the “bad” things, they are where I find intimacy with a God who saves me, and who loves me, and so I am thankful for those too.
I know some of you have been praying for me. Not for healing, but that I would know God in every moment. In the healthy days, in the laughter, but also in the pain, in the vomiting, in the uncertainty, in the duvet days, in all my moments that I would know God. That really is my hearts prayer and desire. I want you to know that am knowing God in my moments, so thank you for asking in my behalf, please do continue.