When God Remained

Remember that time I was too ill to read my bible? To even listen to it being read to me? When I was too ill to mutter a prayer, to even think one? That time where all I could manage was to whisper “Jesus” while my body attacked itself and I lay semi-conscious?

Maybe you don’t. I do. (Actually I only remember parts of it, it turns out there are huge parts that I just have no recollection of.) It turns out many of you visited me during that time. Every now and then someone will say something to me, and I’ll smile and nod wondering to myself when on earth that happened, because I don’t remember it at all. Or suddenly something will trigger a memory, a memory that seems as though it could be just a dream, but I find out it is in fact reality. Thank you for each of you who visited. I know it meant the world to me, even if I subsequently have no memory of it. My heart is still blessed and grateful knowing the care and love you showed. Anyway, that’s not what this is about.

iv_dreamstimeRemember that time I was too ill to read my bible? To even listen to it being read to me? When I was too ill to mutter a prayer, to even think one? That time where all I could manage was to whisper “Jesus” while my body attacked itself and I lay semi-conscious?

For months I didn’t read scripture, I didn’t pray, I didn’t attend church, I didn’t do any of the things you’re told to do. Those things the Sunday school teacher drummed into you as a kid, the things you hear from the pulpit. Read your bible, pray daily, come to church weekly, get to a small group. No I did none of those things. All I did was whisper the name of Jesus.

You know what? God didn’t leave. He didn’t walk out on me. He didn’t give up. He didn’t go and find someone more interesting, more dedicated, more vocal, more involved. He stayed right where he was, if anything, if possible, he moved a little closer. He heard me repeat that one name over and over for months “Jesus” and nothing more. I must have sounded like a broken record, and yet he leaned in close, delighting in that one word, anticipating the moment a second would be added. Leaning in close, but without any pressure.

I didn’t do any of the things we’re told we must do. Yet God remained. Why? Because it’s not about prayer, or scripture, or church attendance. It’s about God. It’s about love. It’s about our relationship, and if all you can manage is one word, that’s ok. Let that one word be your worship and your devotion.

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One Comment on “When God Remained”

  1. I am so sorry to hear you were so sick. I have heard through friends who have had chronic and life threatening illnesses that Jesus was so close to them and they felt incredible peace. I grew up thinking my worth was in all those doing things, but really it is found in His being. Thank you for writing from the place of vulnerability.


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