To Know Him More…

I have this friend, she’s called Stefanie. She’s one of the most encouraging people in my life, she points me to Christ daily. She blogs at UpLIFTing Words, if you’re ever in need of an encouraging word, you should hop over there and have a read.

She wrote something a couple of weeks ago which got me thinking. She was doing a typical end-of-year post: “I’m off ~ running right into 2013”  [the theme was typical, the post was great] She started with this line:

“As I look back on the last 366 days, I know this: I would walk through them again to know Jesus as I do today.”

It hit me strong, it was going over and over in my mind as I continued to read, so much so that I could hardly pay attention to what I was reading. I went back and re-read. As my day progressed still this line was stuck on repeat in my mind.

“I would walk through them again to know Jesus as I do today.”

It hit me hard because of the question my heart threw at me as I read these words and played them over in my mind. Questions which I did not know the answer to.

“Would I walk them again?”

“Can I fully agree to that statement?” 

“Has it been worth it?”

Honestly, between you and me, as I write this I do not yet know what my answer will be.

I look back over the year, over the events. The days spent in bed, the pain, the time-and-time-again set-backs, the waiting, the friends lost, the family lost, the uncertainty, the desert, the silence, the words spoken out-of-place, the hurt, the tears; I remember it all.
I remember the joys, the new friends made, the community deepened, the gratitude developed in me, the gifts received, time spent with friends, the health improved, difficult situations resolved, the memories created; I remember it all.
I remember His presence in it all, His comfort in the tears, His firm grip in the silent dark, His provision, His joy, His love, His care, His leading, His faithfulness; I remember it all.

Pain and hurt have a habit of being a stronger memory than that of joy and love. Though I call it all to mind, it is the difficulties I remember most and I wonder, would I walk through it again? I try to recall how my relationship with Christ looked and functioned a year ago, and I try to assess what it is like now.

Psalm63Sketch-1024x1024There is nothing I would accept in exchange for all my Saviour offers me, His love is truly better than life itself.
Yet I still wonder, has this 2012 been worth it to know Christ as I do today?

The question is not tangled up in if Christ is worth the hardships I have faced. No, my question is wrapped up in if I have grown more intimate with Him, if I have run toward Him, or if I simply stayed frozen-to-the-spot in fear.

I look back over the year and I see, walking through each of those days has allowed me to see aspects of God I never knew, allowed me to experience my Saviour in ways I never imagined. They showed me what it is to be fully dependent on His grace and mercy, they allowed me to know his faithfulness, His never-failing hold, His total independence from me, and yet His great desire to be with me.

Through much thought and deliberation, I say to you, it has been worth it, I would walk each of those days again to know Christ as I do today. I say it a little tentatively, for the hurt of some of those days is still raw. Yet I know there is nothing I would trade for the way I know Jesus now. The thought of going back to January 2012 in our relationship is heart-breaking. I know each of these days has been necessary to create that.

So yes, I would live every one of them again to know Christ as I know Him now.

Disclaimer Prayer: Just because I say that, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather an easier 2013… just putting that out there, God! Whatever it takes though, whatever it takes to be more in love with you.

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