Loved into VulnerabilityPosted: October 3, 2012
I crave community, and yet I run from it too.
A lifetime of moving around, of goodbyes, of starting over, makes you hesitate in forming new deep relationships. Closes you off to people, encourages you to filter what you show and what you say.
I have been around these people for 18 months now, and they have loved me, and they have accepted me. They have sat with me in silence when my soul was void of words, they have put their arms around me and encouraged me to keep going, just for one more hour. They have prayed countless prayers without being asked, without being thanked. They have opened their homes, given me their time, used their energy, simply to love me. I have been grateful, I have been overwhelmed.
Yet still there is a resistance to trust, a resistance to bond deeply, a resistance to let them see it all. I love what I have with them, and I crave more, yet whenever the opportunity to deepen that community arises I run. I sit there sometimes during conversations and look at them, I dare myself to tell them a truth, to let them see, and yet each time I back away. I sit there tears close to my eyes because what they speak of is so close to my heart and I want them to understand, but I run before the tears have a chance to roll. I resist at every pull.
Recently though, something has changed. These people who have loved me and stood by me have worn me down, broken up my barriers. I find myself sharing things I would never have dared to. Letting them see my heart. Showing them the good and the ugly. Allowing them to experience not just my laughter but my tears too.
I am richer for it, I more blessed for it, and I am changed by it.
I am overwhelmingly grateful for these few who have loved me into being vulnerable, and I wonder how I will leave them behind, but I know that they will be carried in my heart, and I in theirs. For now, I belong. This, this is community.