I Love People.

I love catching up with friends I rarely get to see. I love spending time with them, talking, having tea, exchanging hugs, being with each other, even in the silence.
I love catching up with friends I see regularly. To sit down and talk, really talk. To laugh, and cry, to sit in each others homes.

 

I love people. I will travel for miles to see them, just for an hour… literally I will get on a plane and fly for hours just for a few hours with some people. I will re-route my journey and go hours out of my way, to spend an afternoon with a good friend. I will make an unplanned trip to see a friends relative who needs a smile, when my friend can’t go. I love people, they bless me so incredibly, they bring joy to my life, and they help me see Christ.

 

One of the biggest changes I’ve had to make the past 9 months, is not being able to do that anymore. Not for now anyway. I’m told once I get a treatment that works, my energy will slowly start returning a little, and my pain will decrease, and life will be more predictable again. I used to hate predictability, it’s so mundane, and boring. Now I crave a bit of predictability!

 

This is my confession… I’m bad at learning this change. I push myself, it’s what I do. I push until I get ill, I push before I’m really better, I push for what I want, not what I need. I don’t listen to my body, I don’t listen to God… I “tough it out”, because that’s what strong people do.
This is my second confession… I’m wrong. I’m wrong to push, I’m wrong to not listen, and I’m wrong a strong person is not someone who just toughs it out, but someone who is willing to be vulnerable, to accept help, and to know when to stop, and when to go. So I’m trying to learn.

 

What I really want to say is... I don’t have the energy to be constantly on the go, to take that 2 hours detour, to travel across the world for a day with someone, to spend a week driving around the country seeing various people. To constantly visit others, with just a few hours at home in the evening. It grieves me, I miss my friends, I miss socialising.
I hope that in this new season of needing time at home, to rest, you, my friends, will bear with me, will be understanding of my limitations. Most of all I hope that you will know I still care, that I still think of you, pray for you, replay memories in my mind. I wish dearly I could jump on that plane, make that long drive, sit on that always delayed train. Hold you close, giggle with your kids, cry on your shoulder, give you my ear, see your eyes, and hear your voice. Just be. I cling to the hope that one day I will have that level of energy and health again.

 

Until then… know I still love, and care, for each one of your my dear friends.

 

PS Don’t get me wrong. I am VERY thankful for the great amount of time I am able to spend getting out, able to travel to see people. For nearby friends who I can see. 

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