Her Voice in my LifePosted: January 8, 2012
It’s just me and her in that room, sitting, drinking tea. Mine black, 2 sugars, hers a fruit infusion. We sit in silence sipping our teas. Not awkward silence, simply the silence of memories, of grief, sadness, laughter, joy, and devotion mingled into one content moment. I look up at her and smile, I’m so thankful for all the memories we’ve created thus far, I’m so thankful for our friendship.
The conversation moves on to the country we share a common love for. She shares her frustrations, I share my hopes, she speaks of her joyful experiences, I tell of my fears. Our hearts are joined, and together we come before the Throne of God and present our case before Him. We plead for those people, struggling to stay alive, oppressed, lost. We beg for our hope to not be deferred, nor in vain. We lay ourselves bare asking for healing and forgiveness. We bring each other to His attention, asking for restoration, for new hope, new vision, for peace.
I share with her the struggle still going on within me. What I believe God is asking of me, yet my lack of faith to believe it could really happen, my hesitancy to take the risk, the fears that consume me in my humanness, it all boils down to His plan, and His will vs my need for control, and my unwillingness. I ask my questions, I speak out my reservations, and her small sweet voice carefully answers each of my musings. Understanding and sympathy flow from her lips, she combines it with encouragement and challenge, a sweet sound reaches my ears. Encouraging me to do His will, and not mine. She speaks His peace, His provision, and His courage to me.
We finish the dregs of our tea and I stand to leave. I promise to let her know how my decision making is going. Her arms wrap around me, and mine respond. We stay like that, her reason I do not know, for me it is hoping that some of her heart and courage would rub off on me. Wishing I could take her with me wherever I go. Finally we part, she smiles at me. That never fading smile, that joy that radiates out of her, no matter the situation, no matter the trial, always joy. I smile a broken smile back at her, my joy is not as great, my heart whispers a prayer “God, give me joy like that”. I turn to leave, and then turn back. “Goodbye my sweet friend” and I give her a quick hug. Our eyes meet, we know it may be several months before we meet again. She quotes my own well used line back at me “Not goodbye, only farewell” I smile… only farewell.
Suddenly I awaken, I sit upright, it had only been a dream. A real memory, come back to me in a dream. I reach for my phone, I long to hear her. My sleepy daze and confusion leave me. A lone tear rolls down my cheek, I brush it away and lay back down, but the sadness would not be so easily brushed aside, and the tears began to flow. How I miss her voice in my life, how my mind does not understand her early departure from this world, how I long to have that last meeting with her again. I want to tell her, I want her to see, that I did find the courage, that I did find the peace, and here I am, in this country which I now love all the more. I want her to know the difference her words and prayers made to me. I long to hear her challenges and encouragements as I face this new season, I wish I knew what she would say, for I know it would be words that spoke of Christ to my heart. I miss her sweet voice in my life.
My tears run dry and I whisper into the cold dark night, “Goodbye my sweet friend, really it IS goodbye, not just farewell.”