Feeling Betrayed… Three months agoPosted: December 5, 2011
I wrote this 3 months ago, I only had the courage to share it with one person until now.
I had a couple of days to make a decision, to stay or to go. The biggest fears holding me back from going were founded on past experiences, were valid responses, but were also not a credible basis on which to found my decision. To be honest I was taken aback by the fears and emotions that were hitting me, I was intrigued by my own reaction. I didn’t dwell on it, rather I tried to lay aside my fears, still my soul, and listen for the voice of God, base my decision on the only unchangeable, stable, and trustworthy thing in my life.
Now as I take stock of where I am, as I look back over the past 3 months, and as I try to seek out what the future may look like I face the same fears again, in a whole new light. I’m left wondering, wondering why I trusted, wondering why I allowed myself to be calmed into making a decision against my natural will, wondering why I didn’t listen to myself . I’m left feeling betrayed, abandoned, tricked. On the cusp of resentment and bitterness. Yet I don’t want to be bitter, I don’t want to resent, I don’t want to fall out of love. I want to keep trusting, I want to keep holding fast, following unswervingly the plans that I don’t always know or understand. I can’t even do THIS without God, I can’t even continue to love, I can’t continue to trust, I can’t hold myself back from being bitter without His help, without Him molding my heart, softening my spirit. I realize how broken I am, how weak I am, how utterly useless I am without Him. All I can do is cry out and hope. Hope is not dead, and faith is still alive, “Lord, just give me love I pray, love for you, then love for others. Remind me of your faithfulness, remind me again of the purpose – to glorify you, don’t let bitterness and doubt seep in.”
Three main fears I faced, three questions that would not leave me.
In my weakness, I allowed Him to be strong, I listened to the voice of God, I allowed Him to be my strength, and I followed what I knew he was asking me to do. I left the place I had begun to think of as home, I left the place I had given a piece of my heart to, I left the people who were becoming like family to me, I left what I knew God had called me to. I left knowing that He was calling me on somewhere new, I left confident I would return, feeling safe in His arms, my fears stilled, comforted, this REALLY was just a temporary thing. Yet in the back of my mind there was still a nagging notion that this wouldn’t be as short-term as I was hoping, deep in my heart there was a feeling of finality about it. I pondered on these feelings from time to time. I had had some words from people leading up to this decision, I had twisted them in my mind to make them easier to follow, they all pointed toward me leaving, talked of how God would move me on. None of them said it would be a break, none of them said it would be temporary, but I added that, I allowed myself to attach words, twist sentences, to convince myself that they all spoke of it being a interim situation. I don’t know why, maybe to help myself follow what I knew to be the right path, maybe to comfort myself a little, maybe because I was in plain denial. On the other hand none of them spoke of this being a permanent change either.
The turning point in all this has come. It is now a reality that my short 1-week trip has turned into a more-permanent situation. As I allow the reality of that to sink in my fears come flooding back, and I’m angry, “God, you calmed my fears, just to allow them to come true? Why? How can this be? What are you doing?” They come into my thoughts one by one…
“What if this turns out to be something much bigger than anyone expected?” “I thought it was just a parasite God, and now it’s a lifelong disease, it’s effecting every part of my life, it’s never going away, hospitals, doctors, medication, it’s all a part of my life now.” It has turned out to be something much bigger. “What’s your plan in this? Have you even got one? Does it have to be this way really? I was scared of this, and you’ve let it happen.”
“What if by the time I return close friends have left, what if friends have died?” I thought this was irrational, based on past experiences, based on real hurt, and therefore valid, but irrational all the same. Yet even if I do get back, many of my good friends won’t be there anymore, many have already left, so many goodbyes left unsaid. Thankfully I have been spared from facing death so far. “Thank you God. I didn’t want to miss their departures, I wanted to say healthy farewells, why won’t you let me? Why does it have to be this way?”
“What if I leave and never get to come back?” Each day seems to lead closer and closer to this becoming a reality, and I don’t get it. “God, why? You called me there… didn’t you? Or did I get it horribly wrong? You say there aren’t enough workers in the field, well I’m here, I’m willing, so why can’t I be there? What have I done that’s so wrong? Why aren’t I good enough? Why have you taken me away in such an unplanned, rushed way? Why are you still not answering the question properly? When are you going to let me know clearly if I’m going to go back, or whether there’s something new now? Why are you letting this fear be so real to me? How can you have calmed my fear of this to get my out of there, just to betray me and let me not go back? How does this fit with who I thought I knew you to be?”
The fears swirl around my head again, with so many questions attached, so many emotions interwoven into them. I’m angry, and I can feel myself becoming bitter. I cry and as I cry my heart weeps too. “God, I don’t want to loose you, I can’t let us go, I can’t let this stop my loving you, I don’t want it to get in the way, I want to still trust, I want to keep falling in love with you, I want to know you have only good and perfect things for me. I can’t do life without you.” But I don’t know how to stop this, I don’t know how to fix it. “I need you so desperately. Take me, all of me, heal me, forgive me, restore our relationship. I’ll trust you still, I’ll follow you still, and I’ll seek after your heart, but I can only do it with your help. I am so broken, so weak, so useless. Without you I am nothing.”
It hits me afresh, without you, God, I am nothing. “You can take the world, just give me Jesus. You can take it all, because without you it is all worthless. Without you nothing makes sense, nothing has meaning, nothing has purpose, without you I cannot live. So take it all, just save our relationship.” And so I begin to trust again, I cling to the hope that these hurts and fears too will be healed and fixed in time. I remember the works of yesteryear and I know He is faithful, even if it seems hard to believe right now, I allow those experiences to fill my thoughts. I turn to His word and fill my ears with His truth, speaking out promises, telling of His character. And so the relationship is kept alive, I am kept in love. It is frail, but I will choose to trust, I will lean into my saviour and allow Him to save me all over again.